One Word that Changed My Year & Why I Spend Time with God with a Dictionary

One of my favorite things to have close by in my time with God is a dictionary. During my senior year of high school I was given a dictionary for some sort of academic award. At the time I thought it was lame, but now I actually use it quite frequently. What that says about me, I'm not sure. But whenever God speaks something to me, I like to let the meaning of the words really sink in. If you think about it, it's really fascinating to me that God chooses language to communicate with us. 

There's one word in particular whose meaning has really gone deep in me this year: jealousy. 

Merriam Webster defines "jealousy" as the "state of being jealous; intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness; vigilant in maintaing or guarding something". 

Seems easy to understand, right? But this one word has absolutely wrecked me, broken me, and brought me deeper into the presence of God all year long. It seems especially relevant to me in light of tomorrow being Easter.

One morning as I was spending time with God (with dictionary close by of course), I started reading the 10 Commandments in Exodus 34. At the time, I was angry and probably bitter, because it seemed as though most things I loved or wanted were being removed one by one slowly and painfully. As I started reading, I noticed verse 14 which says "you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." He then proceeds with the first commandment, which says "you shall have no other gods before me."

This God, His name is Jealous... what does that mean, I wondered? Then I started thinking about the meaning of jealousy. If God's name is Jealous, then He must be intolerant of any rivalry or unfaithfulness in me and He must be vigilant in maintaining or guarding relationship with me. I paused. And then something powerful rose up in me, as though someone flipped the breaker on in a dark, empty basement. 

If God is Jealous, then He must be unrelenting in pursuing relationship with me, in gaining my affection, and making sure no one or thing can rival Him in my life. It grieves His heart when I start to pursue other things or other people in place of Him. Yet He's kind enough to re-direct me. 

So, on this Easter eve, instead of choosing anger, bitterness or sadness when plans change, loss happens, or things just get taken away, I choose thankfulness. Thankfulness because there's a God who decided to step into my world. Not just once, but over and over and over again. 

Celebrate: Lawrence

Two years ago this last week I first moved to Lawrence. I remember pulling up to my new house for the first time. The moment felt pregnant - not knowing what was coming, but knowing whatever was coming was significant. As the months started turning, I realized that God was doing a deep work in me and in the people around me. He had wildly exciting, and at times painfully hard, dreams and purposes for me here. Dreams to experience intimacy with Him like I never had before. To depend on Him more than I ever thought I needed to. To fight to see God like my life depended on it. He knew the best place for me to know Him more. And it was here. 

Over the past few weeks I've been overwhelmed with thankfulness for the time I've spent in Lawrence. I love this city! As I get ready to transition yet again, I wanted to post about my first sweet season in this cutie house. Some of my favorite and deepest encounters with God happened in this house. It truly was a rich season in which I learned how to press into God like I never had before, especially without the presence of community or a local church. I met with God in my cutie little bedroom upstairs as I experienced a little taste of Heaven coming to earth. And that was just the beginning.

Come and Take Your Place

I'm not one to make or really promote New Year's Resolutions, but alas, I find myself inspired. I actually find them ultra cheesy and rarely effective, but this year I feel prompted to make a resolve. To remind myself of why I'm doing what I'm doing, to re-center if you will.

Let me back up. The past few months, or year really, has been the hardest season I've ever had without a doubt. But now that I'm transitioning into a new season, I have been filled with fresh perspective and thankfulness. I'm reminded that because Jesus is so jealous for my heart, for all of me, He is unrelenting in pursuing me. And sometimes that means He's unrelenting in removing things in my life that could potentially take His place. I feel as though almost everything I could have turned to, filled myself with or found identity in has been stripped and removed and shaken. And I'm thankful. He's kindly redirected me to Himself and reminded me that He's all I need and all I want.

It hadn't occurred to me until a few months ago that the "stripping" season had a common theme, one in which I was at the center of my world, getting what I wanted and what I thought I needed. I was unconsciously believing that lie that life is about me. And that lie was costing me a lot more than I knew. Although it took me a while to embrace the "stripping", responding in repentance and brokenness has led me to the feet of Jesus and caused me to experience His mercy like I never have before. I'm learning to believe that true, deep fulfilling life happens when Jesus is at the center.

It seems fitting that this new revelation comes at the beginning of a new year, signifying the start of something new, something fresh, something good.

So this, then, is my New Year's Resolution: To dethrone self, and daily return to and remain at The Center. 

I'm believing that this year would be a year of returning to and remaining at the Center. Although that sounds simple, I believe it's vitally important. This has to be a conscious choice. It requires a willingness to let go of things and hold life with open hands. It requires boldness and deep trust in God. It requires a constant coming before God, asking questions, and letting God move and shape me and the things around me. And it requires believing the truth that Jesus is all I need and knows what is best for my life. It's a risk I believe is worth taking.

So, What Are You Doing Now?

Transition always breeds questions. People want to know where you are, what you're doing and why you're doing it. And internally we want to know the answers to those questions too. If left unchecked, it can be a really uneasy and even frustrating season of life. I've been asking myself some of those questions for the last few months and just recently feel as though I can answer some of them. In this post I hope to attempt to articulate some answers, or at least some tentative thoughts.

Prior to graduation, I couldn't wait to be done with school and move onto something different. Yet when I actually graduated, I felt the weight of transition and confusion as to what my next step would be. I spent the month of June applying for jobs like crazy. I didn't feel very envisioned or prepared. I actually felt pretty defeated and ill-equipped. After having dreams of going to the nations, planting churches and starting movements, the thought of having a full-time job wasn't appealing to me at all. It seemed so lesser than. But praise God He initiated a perspective shift for me. I started envisioning the kind of character God wanted to develop in me through working full-time. Although I never would have chosen what I'm doing now for myself, I sense so many deep things God is doing in me. The character development process isn't exactly exciting when you're in it, but it's powerful. And it's worth it. 

So, the answer to the first question is that I'm staying in Lawrence. I'm working a full-time job as an event planner for a non-profit near Kansas City. I make reservations with rental companies, create graphics, respond to e-mails, visit embroidery shops and work with local landscapers. Some days I really enjoy it, and others aren't so exciting, but I know that it's good. And I am so sure God is doing things under the surface, or in the unseen if you will. 

2 Corinthians 4:18 says "we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 

I have to believe that there's a bigger picture, an eternal one, than just what I see what my natural eye. Although I can't fully answer the question why I'm staying, I've made a choice to stay. I didn't have a big vision or word from God, but I did have several doors open for me and I have encountered God in some of the deepest places in my heart. I'm stepping out of one of the hardest seasons I think I've ever had, but stepping into more favor with God than I've ever thought possible. And now that I've made the choice to stay, I'm starting to see some of the sweet gifts God has given me here. I've gone deeper than I ever have before in relationships with people, learned to work through conflict, been painfully vulnerable with others in order to walk in the freedom I've been given, and become more hungry and desperate for Jesus than I have in a long time. 

Yes, there are still dreams in my heart to go new places and start new things, but I know I wouldn't be able to steward some of the things well without my character being developed first. And I'm starting to believe He's maximizing the impact my life could have by reminding me that I'm just one broken vessel, chosen by God to lay my life down for people and for the Kingdom of God. 

Transitions do breed questions, but they also breed character development, character that's worth building something on. I want that kind of character.